flying without wings...

sa gitna ng dilim...

2006-10-17T22:14:00.000-07:00

isang taon na pala ang nakalipas,
di ko man lang namalayan...

basag...
nagmula tayo noon sa mundo ng kasiyahan, mundo na puno ng ulap, kung saan tuloy-tuloy ang agos ng kaligayahan, kaligayahang pansamantalang nagpapakawala sa atin sa mundo ng katotohanan.

walang ibang paraan upang makabalik sa pinanggalingan.
pareho nang butas ang sisidlan ng kanya-kanya nating kayamanan.
'di na natin kayang lumipad, makisabay sa mabilis at malamig na ihip ng hangin.
ang nalalabi nating pag-asa'y tahakin na lamang ang daan, mga paa nakahalik sa lupa.

at sabay nga nating hinarap ang hamon ng kadiliman.
habang papalapit sa kalaliman nito'y kung anu-anong pumapasok sa iyong isipan na siya namang nagdulot sa'yo ng takot kahit pawang imahinasyon lamang ang lahat nang iyon.
sabagay, di rin naman kita masisi. kahit ako mismo, mga tuhod nangangatog sa takot.
gustuhin man nating umurong, wala ring magagawa. andun na tayo eh!

tahimik, malamig, madilim...
tanging puno't halaman lamang ang nakapaligid sa atin, habang nilalakbay ang landas tungo sa kung saan.

naku, di ko pa naman dala ang aking pananggalang.
di sana'y naibsan ang pangambang iyong nadarama.

kun'wa'y nang-iinis.
humihirit pa ako ng kung anu-anong kwentong lalo lamang nagpatakot sa'yo.
siya, siya, tumigil na rin ako.

sa takot mo nga'y halos mapilas na ang manggas ng aking kasuotan sa kakahila mo.
hanggang sa di mo na makayanan, ika'y pumikit na lamang.

hawak-hawak ko ang 'yong mga balikat,
tinitingnan ang bawat nating hakbang,
baka 'ka ko may balakid di natin mapansin, maigi nang maiwasan.
gabay mo, sandalan at 'yong pananggalang.
pakiramdam ko tuloy ako si superman...

sana sa mga sandaling 'yon iyong naramdaman kung gaano ka kahalaga para sa akin.
lahat nang sinabi ko sa'yo'y totoo't alang halong biro.

hanggang nalampasan na nga natin. sa waka nakaraos din sa isang matinding dagok na maituturing. hehe.

pambihira, si kalikasa'y nakisali pa. nagtawag ba naman! siya naman nating tinugunan. doon ka, dito ako. nakakatawang isiping dun din ako nakisabay sa banyong di ko dapat pinasukan. oks lang!

hinatid pa po kita sa himpilan ng mga sasakyang maghahatid sa'yo sa kung saan...

ngunit...
kulang...
sampumpiso...
hintaaaaaaaaaaayyy!!! payong mo, na sa 'kin pa pala!

maalaala mo kaya...
ako? siyempre! espesyal sa akin ang gabing 'yon. isa sa mga pinakamasaya at pinaka-di-malilimutang pagkakataong tayo'y magkasama.
alaalang naktanim na sa puso ko't isipan.
ngayon, bukas, at magpakailanman...

...hanggang dito nalang muna siguro...

2006-07-25T01:50:00.001-07:00

haaay naku, ano bang meron ka? sabi mo nga, di mo expect na magugustuhan ko ang isang tulad mo. hindi ko rin alam kung bakit. basta ang alam ko, gusto kita...mahal na rin yata kita kaso may gusto ka yatang iba. pilit ko mang itanggi sa sarili pero 'yon ang nakikita ko. 'yon ang nararamdaman ko. siguro nga nagiging malisyoso ako, binibigyang kahulugan ang mga bagay na hindi dapat binibigyan ng ibang kulay. siguro ganito lang talaga kapag umiibig. kung anu-ano ang naiisip kasi ayaw at takot na mawala ang minamahal. pasensya ka na. pero, napagtanto ko rin: buti sana kung may ginagawa ako (alam mo na, tulad ng dati). wala e. kaya wala din akong karapatan para maramdaman ang ganoon, wala sa lugar. tama ba? sorry talaga!

sa ngayon, wala akong magagawa. ngayon pa na ayaw mo ng mga "distractions." ayoko ring abalahin ka. hindi ko na munang ipagsiksikan ang sarili ko. ayoko rin namang maging balakid sa kung anuman ang makakapagpaligaya sayo. kung saan ka masaya, masaya na rin ako.

may tamang panahon para sa lahat. kapag ok na siguro saka ako magsisimula ulit. abala tayo sa maraming bagay ngayon. siguro kapag nalampasan na natin lahat, ayos na. pwede ring, huwag nalang. 'yong hanggang dito nalang. hindi ko alam...

LOVELIFE...NONEXISTENT...I LOVE MYSELF

2006-07-25T01:33:00.000-07:00

PI na lovelife yan! imbes na mainspire ka, lalo ka lang nadedepress. sabagay, nasa pananaw naman ng tao yan. ako kasi, ang bilis panghinaan ng loob. nadedepress sa mga bagay na ako lang din naman ang nag-iisip. kung anu-ano nakikita, kung anu-ano ang iniisip, hindi man lang nagtatanong, tuloy depressed na agad, suko na agad. pag tinopak ka nga naman... kaya naman, sa ngayon, wala munang lovelife... pag ako tinanong mo..."kumusta ang lovelife?", asahan mong isasagot ko "LOVELIFE? NONEXISTENT! I JUST LOVE MYSELF!" galing yan sa friend kong malupit. inadopt ko lang (sana lang mapanindigan ko)

reference:
Bree, BJB. Walang Tigil sa Katetext. Nokia 3310: Sa bahay ko. May 2006

high

2006-03-03T04:53:00.000-08:00

will it ever be?
i've tried so hard to find sweet serenity
are you still afraid?
just close your eyes and dream, and feel it fade away.

time won't fly, everyone knows
when the pain fades away
and dreams won't die, with tears in our eyes
you've got to hold your head up high

it's taken some time,
and i've given up to change your state of mind
try and understand
it's not so hard to see that i am just a man.

time won't flow, everyone knows
when the pain fades away
and dreams won't die, with tears in our eyes
you've got to hold your head up high

will it ever be?
i've tried so hard to find sweet serenity
try and understand,
it's not so hard to see that i am just a man

time won't flow, everyone knows
when the pain fades away
and dreams won't die, with tears in our eyes
you've got to hold your head up high..

...just realized...

2006-02-26T18:28:00.000-08:00

it's amazing how swift time passed by. yesterday, i was just sleeping all throughout not minding the pending jobs that i have to work on and the deadlines that i have to meet. over the long weekend, i was monitoring the news awaiting for sudden turn of events that might transpire in our very vulnerable society. last week, i was with some of my orgmates, overnight, just to finish the revision of the the constitution of our beloved organization. the other week there was the week long up fair as part of the celebration of the love month. (i had a dinner with my special someone last valentine's day by the way!). my best friend and i are in speaking terms again (happee!). we had an overnight org activity out of town, got drunk in broad daylight (what a shame!). last month i was cramming for my report and exams in my major subjects (thank god i surpassed them!). last year, got worried if i'd be able to go on with the second sem, we had our christmas party, had the burden of painful emotions, insightful experiences, anniv night and so on...and i'm still alive!

those were just among the undertakings that i had as far as i remember.
...just realized...had i learned my lessons? did i become stronger? was i able to fulfill any of my goals? did my plans materialize? had i got what i wanted? nah...perhaps! perhaps i just don't feel any of them at this very moment or i just didn't notice that they're there already.

these past few days, andami kong iniisip. isa na siya dun. ngek, siya lang pala talaga. kasi naman, bakit may ganito pang nararamdaman ang mga tao. i guess these are just part of growing up (ows, bata pa daw o!) i mean of maturing.

ever since i met and got to know her, she got my attention already. then, as time went by, i already enjoyed her company and her mere presence always makes my day. i can say, i loved her since then, despite the imperfections that most of us have anyway. then came the most crucial day(s), week(s) and month(s). perhaps, just to test how genuine and sincere my feelings are for her. i felt i was betrayed and left with noone else to talk to. all along, didn't know that there was this someone else. envy was there, hate and anger to myself and to the rest of the world. ang laki kong tanga nun (well, hanggang ngayon pa din naman).

...just realized...my feelings didn't fade away. rather, to my surprise, it grew even stronger than before (hmmm, mukhang line sa song!). perhaps, that's why di ko nakuhang magalit to those who caused me pain at lalong-lalo na sa kanya. in the end, ala ding nangyari sa kanila (ewan ko lang ngayon, kasi parang bumabalik ata e!). we did talk and i was able to tell her all the things i wanted to say, how i felt about the situation, how i felt about her and what my plans were after that. i didn't give up. instead i carried on in doing special things for her like i used to, back then, not expecting something in return and ready to accept what may happen in the end, willing to get hurt (see, ang tanga ko talaga!)

then akala ko magiging ok kami. ok naman, pero... (you know what i mean). ayoko sanang umasa pero anjan na e. di ko mapigilan at yon ang masama. she cautioned me naman and really, it's my fault.

right now i'm having these fears na baka bumalik ang kung ano man ang meron sila dati though she insists na she has no feelings for him anymore. i have nothing against them being friends ulit ([ang walang kamatayang]...in fact, i'm happy for them...seryoso!). nagiging paranoid lang ako, though i know na wala sa lugar. i mean, kahit sino naman would agree na hindi din naman ganoon kabilis mawala ang feelings mo for the other kahit sinaktan ka na niya di ba? everybody could attest to that and that's what i'm thinking right now. magkaganoon man, i guess i have to suffer, yet, another pain. anyway, decision ko rin naman ang pumasok sa ganitong sitwasyon at paninindigan ko 'to...dahil seryoso 'to...hehehe.

...just realized... di kaya masyado lang akong nagpadala sa mga nararamdaman ko? di kaya i'm just too engrossed with the happy things that we share with each other? or worse, di kaya i'm just being too ambitious of dreaming to have the girl, who, in the very first place, is not for me and is not and will never ever be mine?

this time, i wish i could talk to her and him if possible to clarify things and once and for all to know kung anong meron at anong wala (kailangan pa kaya yon?). siguro, by then, i could have the sense of direction that i think i'm losing already. honestly, hindi na ako sigurado if i am still doing the right things. ang iniisip ko lang, kung saan ako masaya (don't you think it's too selfish of me?).

but, i love her and that's what i'm really sure of. ang hirap, ba't pa kasi ako ipinanganak na sobrang seryoso, hewwh. so, kung ano man ang kahahantungan neto, sigurado at seryoso ako sa nararamdaman ko. bahala na lang si krystala (ayoko si batman e!).

for you: i'll always be here. hinding-hindi ako mawawala. i have loved...you are loved and you will always be...

...just realized...malapit na pala matapos ang sem. sana maging maganda ang ending ng sem na 'to. excited na ako for summer and i can't wait to go to the beaches. i wish i were in cebu, kasi sobrang accessible lang ng mga beaches don at pwede ka nang magswimming mag-isa. me dala ka lang na 50 php, konteng chichirya at drinks, oks na. i always do that when i was still there. (tas biglang lulunurin ang sarili no...hehe). sana, i'll get decent grades in all my subjects, wag naman yong pasang- awa lang, though i know i've been too lax this sem.

...just realized...ang haba na pala ng tinype ko. pasenxa. (parang ala ng bukas no? hehe) ge, abangan nalang ang susunod na kabanata.

MAYBE...it's wrong to say please love me too...

2006-02-22T17:47:00.000-08:00

there i was
waiting for a chance
hoping that you'll understand
the things i wanna say
as my love went stronger than before
i wanna see you more and more
but you closed your door
why don't your try
to open up your heart
i won't take so much of your time

maybe it's wrong to say please love me too
'coz i know you'll never do
somebody wlse is waiting there inside for you
maybe its wron to love you more each day
'coz i know he's here to stay
but i know to whom you should belong

i believed what you said to me
we should set each other free
that's how you want it to be
but my love went stronger than before
i wanna see you more and more
but you closed your door
why don't you try to open up your heart
i won't take so much of your time

LINTIK

2006-02-19T00:18:00.000-08:00

uno, dos, tres, kuatro

lintik na pag-ibig
parang kidlat
puso kong tahimik na naghihintay
bigla mong ginulat

di ko man lang napansin ang iyong pagdating
daig mo pa ang isang bagyong namuo sa malayo
ihip ng hangin biglang nag-iba
sinundan pa ng kulog at kidlat
sa biglang buhos ng iyo sa akin
ako'y napakanta

mga halik mo't mga lambing, inuulan mo sa akin
binabaha, binabagyo na ako ng iyong mga carino
nananaginip ba ako ng gising
ay, tinamaan ng magaling
nadali mo ang puso ko ng iyong kidlat

lintik, lintik, woh woh woh
parang kidlat

lintik, lintik, woh woh woh
parang kidlat

...you are my angel...

2005-11-15T18:45:00.000-08:00

ate angel, kaw na bahala mag-ayos ng blog ko ha. tatanawin kong napakalaking utang na loob yun pag tapos na... hehehe. salamat ate angel

october 14 is the day... i don't know...but my heart knows...

2005-11-13T01:25:00.000-08:00

i found this poem somewhere and nakarelate ako.

ganito ang feeling ko after everything was said to me, hanggang sa nag-usap kami up to now...

hay buhay...

sana kahit papano may magbago.

I don't know why my heart longs for you,

Maybe it's because I thought you love me, too.

But now that you broke my heart in two,

The only thing my heart says is, I still love you.

I don't know what my heart had seen in you,

Why I should love you as much as I do.

I don't know why my heart is so blind,

To trap someone like you in my mind.

I don't know why teardrops fall,

On the day you left me here all alone.

I don't know why my heart won't say goodbye,

I don't know why my heart won't give it a try.

I don't know why my heart is still hoping,

Day and night my heart is praying,

I don't know why I love you so,

My heart says it's because you're my first love song

by Kenny P. Cosing

ang ganda noh? sana nagustuhan niyo...

hay buhay...

today is my birthday

2005-10-12T10:31:00.000-07:00

most of us, when in despair, we cry, we weep for all our childhood dreams that seemed to vanish with the years. we weep for all our self-esteem that has been corrupted by failure, for all the potential that has been bartered for security, for all our individuality that had been trampled by mobs and for all the talents that has been wasted thru misuse.

we look upon ourselves with disgrace and we turn in terror from the image we see in the pool. and we ask, "who is this mockery of humanity staring back at us with bloodless eyes of shame?"

where is the grace of our manner, the beauty of our figure, the quickness of movement, the clarity of mind and the brilliance of tongue. who stole the goods?

once you dreamed that you'll be rich in time, and read that all wisdom of great men would be equalled and surpassed by you. and you would reign supreme in your own garden of eden.

do you remember who implanted these plans and dreams and hope of seeds in you?

you cannot remember even the secrets when you were blessed when you were born.

years have destroyed our recollection for they have filled our mind with fear, doubt and anxiety, and remorse and hate that there was no room for joyful memories.

but weep no more, our lord almighty has commanded for you to come and walk to begin a new life.

today is my birthday, i have been reborn.

kumusta naman!!!!

2005-10-12T10:20:00.000-07:00

yan me blog na ako. wish i cud access the net from time to time so that i cud post everything i want to. ngaun lang? musta naman.